Thank Goodness For Daddy

I really don't like snow.

I've nothing against the beauty of snow; it's actually gorgeous when I'm inside looking outside at it. Add a deer or some rabbits and I feel like I'm in an icy wonderland.

But don't make me go out in it. I don't do "cold."

Marissa, on the other hand, loves it! She's so fortunate to have such an excellent daddy. He took her out to play in the icy beauty today. There were many snowballs flying, a little sledding, some snow angels, and a lot of smiles.

Thank goodness for Daddy.

Joy Continues

Today I wanted to post two pictures that capture the vibrancy God wove into the personalities of our girls. Each of them is so unique; just as we all are. For God has made us to be special for the purposes He has set for us in this world.
So many people have been praying for us. Thank you for ALL your prayers. God is holding us close to Himself, for He is close to the broken-hearted.
In one of our older posts (maybe 1/6 or so) I wrote about joy. I want to testify that joy does continue. Our joy through the Lord cannot be stripped away. Our hearts are battered, our joy is intact. God has shown us His face in that what we believed by faith before with our whole hearts has become flesh. God is faithful and everything in His word is true. He carries you with a supernatural strength and power that can only come from His hands. His care to us is as personal as he has made each of us unique. He alone knows our intimate needs and administers just what we need to get through the pain, but no more, lest we rely on ourselves and our own strength.
Believe, believe. If you never have, let yourself surrender to the peace of the Lord, the strength that comes only from Him. The tender mercies that are indeed, new every morning, and make me want to get up and see what He has in store, even through this sad season of my life. For I am still joyful and He is where I find my strength, and am sustained, and can laugh and play, and live and see all that God still has to offer. For there is much, and I am thankful.

How Do You Start This Thing?

One of the things that was so memorable when my girls got together was the way Jaime saw herself in Marissa. Actually, Marissa is such a blend of Jaime and Brandon that they are both able to see themselves in her quite clearly. The fact that my girls were alike in many ways made their outings a joy. They were able to connect quickly and really laugh together. Like the time at the zoo last summer when Marissa grabbed Jaime's hand, "Jaime there's the meerkats!" as they ran ahead of us, both excited to see one of their favorite animals. On that same trip Marissa gained Jaime's respect - twice. Both involved bugs or spiders, which Jaime has never liked! At the zoo Marissa held a giant cockroach - while Jaime watched, fascinated. At the park the next day while the girls were playing, Marissa cleared a spider off a riding toy (squashed it and then flicked it off with her hand) so that Jaime could sit on it. Jaime was clearly impressed!
I like this picture of them because they're both thinkers, and it looks like they are discussing ways to get the boat started so they can take off on a ride together. Each time they saw each other was an adventure of memories.

Back By Popular Demand

People loved Marissa's Bee Dance video, so...here's another dance, this time showcasing the Umbrella Dance. Our videographer (daddy) didn't pan out to get everyone dancing, so you'll mostly see Marissa. Enjoy!

I also added our star before the show, the curtain call, and a group photo after the show. No autographs, please.

Sweet Revenge

Brayden, Marissa's nephew is such a rolly ball of fun! He adores Marissa, but at 8 months old now, his personality is starting to emerge more clearly. No longer content to just sit and watch, he's finally old enough to start making his desires known. Still most content to watch Marissa more than anyone else, you can tell he is beginning to want to do what she does, too. Although he is soooo sweet and has a happy personality, he's getting spoiled too, and wants to make sure he gets noticed. We're happy to oblige!

Life

I've always thought and questioned a lot of things. Of course, now I'm pondering more the ways of life. Life is about God. During the life He gives us, we have and make choices that reflect who and what we believe and who and what we serve. About a month before Jaime died, we had this conversation again. But this time she was open and really listening.
The life highlight I ponder today is something that amazes me as a mother, yet is so easy when I consider it from God's viewpoint. How is it that at the highlight moments of my daughter's lives I could live completely oblivious to the drama unfolding? At the time of Marissa's birth I was halfway across the world while a woman I've never met pushed my daughter into this world. Did she comfort her as I would have? Did she regret that their time together was short? Were there tears as she prepared to place her for me to love? Yes, someone else carried her in their body, but God created her, and when He did He knew she would come to me. But I had no "aha" moment, no epiphany that this was the time when she arrived in this world.
Of course I was there when Jaime was born, but when she drew her last breath I was hours away doing a Bible Study and waiting for Marissa to awaken. Why didn't my body draw it's own gasp as her final one exhaled? How did I continue to live without my heartbeat at least skipping to dramatize the loss occuring? Oh, we think we're connected in special ways on this earth, but the truth is we are really only connected spiritually to one being - our Lord.
Yet, the way God prepares us for events in our lives is what really astounds me. His love to us is so personal. I'm sure that when Marissa was born I had events going on around me that I would find astounding if I could look back now. For I know the way my Father prepared me to lose Jaime. I'll list only one of them here. The day before she died He allowed me to smell her. It wasn't her perfume. It was her. Every mother knows the scent of her child. This was pure Jaime, and so strong, like the scent overtook the room. In that instant I knew I was going to lose her. I even wondered if she was already gone. I even spoke out loud, questioning God. "why am I smelling Jaime? Am I going to lose her?" Why is it that in our fragile human state we selfishly hold on to things, to people? Why couldn't I have asked God if He was calling her home because it was His turn to turn her life into something I can't even begin to imagine the splendour of? I just know that I thank God for loving us all enough to show the mercy He does, enough to love us despite all of our failings. Through Jaime's death I have seen the best and the worst of people. The best of people have shown love and compassion, although they might not fully understand the depth of the grief we face. The worst of people have stooped so low as to criticize the memorial service we held for our daughter and repeated rumors although they have no idea as to what the truth is. But I have realized it is not my duty to tell them. It is my duty to continue to love them. For Jesus interferred once and for all. It's not up to us to retaliate or plead or whatever. It is up to us to forgive and love, just as He has done for us; every single one of us, whether we accept it or not. How do we think we deserve better than our own Lord received?
Life is a gift. Whether we live 1 minute or 100 years our life served a purpose(s) only God fully knows and His standard of measure is so much more sophisticated and simpler than ours. May we all live to learn His ways and truly pass them to others while we can. It not only honors our Lord, but those who lived and those who still do. We thank God for all of them.

Little Bowler

Marissa loves action. One way she express this is through bowling.

Am I terrible mother to admit that it is just so cute to watch her struggle with that huge bowling ball, then see her sling it down the lane? She has such energy and excitement that you can't help but have a great time, even if you spent the whole time just watching her.

Life Keeps Moving On

It has been so hard for me to write on this blog. So many times I want to just sit and pour my heart out to Jaime...so if I do, please forgive me. But, I know people may tire of me, so I want to at least post some pictures of Marissa at one of the dress rehearsals last week at the Nelson. She takes after Jaime with her love of performing. Jaime would have been so proud of her little sister! Both my girls love to pose when a camera is within sight. Carry on your sister's tradition, Marissa...carry on.

Mei Mei (Little Sister) at the Nelson

Next Saturday Marissa is supposed to dance at the Nelson Atkins Museum in a Chinese New Year celebration. Jaime really had wanted to watch Marissa perform. We had practice this past weekend. Here are some of the fun highlights from just one of the dances. Jaime, this one's for you...