Be You

I knelt to stare into my daughter's eyes inside the front of the beauty supply store. A few people walked around us, some oblivious, a couple curious as to what we were doing.
Sustaining self, gaining wisdom, securing a future, loving each other...
We had gone into the store to purchase a new nail polish color. After the trip to Indiana and the manicure and pedicure from Kayla, complete with jewels secured to the top of each finger, I decided it was time for my daring preschooler to chose her own nail color. No more of modest mom's pale pink or barely there beige...it was time for Marissa to assert her independence with her own nail color choice.
As we were perusing the choices, many more than I dreamed there would be, Marissa's gaze latched upon the brightest and darkest pink I've ever seen. "I want this one," she said.
"Oh," I replied, a bit of "Oh, boy!" detectable in my tone.
"I do. I want this one," she said.
By now a woman and her teenaged daughter giggled behind us and stated "You're in trouble."
We started talking about Marissa's personality and such and about how much more "boring" I was than her. Then, about how Jaime never wanted manicures and such, either. Then I saw Marissa put the nail polish back and reach for the palest pink shade within her reach. My heart seemed to fall to my knees.
I stopped teasing with the woman and her daughter, and knelt to Marissa's vision, our eyes gazing into each other. No one else mattered. "What are you doing?" I asked her.
"I want this one," she said.
"Because you think Mommy wants you to have this one?" I asked.
She nodded. I took the pale pink shade and put it back on the shelf, then plucked the chosen pink from the line below it. "Is this the one you really want?"
"I want to be like you," she said.
"I want you to be YOU," I said. I hugged her tightly, wishing I could pour my love into her, let her experience the joy I have in her just "being." "This is the one I want you to have," I said. "I love it. It will look so beautiful on you."
Her smile beamed as she took the polish. "I love it," she stated, the joy back in her voice.
My heart seemed to leap into the sky. My love for her and my respect for who Marissa "is" deepened even more. "I love everything about you," I told her, flashes of her boisterous personality and glee in living flashing like scenes in my mind. The ladies behind us discreetly backed away. I had forgotten they were there until they tried to become unknown.
"I don't want you any other way but who God made you to be," I told her. "You are special and I love you just the way you are."
I made sure she looked me in the eyes when I spoke the words to her, wanting her to feel my earnest words, the expression of my heart that cannot be expressed as deeply as I feel it.
I stood then, taking her hand and reaching up to the rows of polish. "What other color do you like?" I asked her.
"Another one?" she asked.
"Pick another one you really like. Not something you think I would like," I added.
Her eyes seemed to sparkle as she reached for a super dark purple.
"Okay," I said. "Let's get this one, too."
"That's enough. I don't need any more," she said.
I smiled. "I think you're right." But I added a sparkle glitter polish and a vial of pearly flowers to the counter. Just the items to top off the colors she chose from a four-and-a half year-old's desires.
Today a heart was restored with love and reassurance. My daughter felt that she is loved for herself, and our bond was strengthened. For I know that the love between a mother and her child can never be too strong.

Road Trip

We really did have a good time when we were on the road. The trip could easily have been a disaster...those along for the ride were Marissa, me, my husband, and my in-laws. We all got along great and Marissa was SO good! You would never have guessed we had a 4 1/2 year-old with us.
This picture just cracks me up! This is what we looked like about halfway home. Can you tell how tired we were? But we had fun...and we were all getting along very well!

Cheers to Gymnastics

We left home for Indiana over the Memorial weekend...and it felt GOOD! It wasn't that we knew we had to go, but now that we're home again, I can tell the trip was just what we needed. It felt great to get out of our routine "after Jaime" and just have fun with family. Here are a couple of videos of Marissa with her "cousin," Kayla (Mike's girlfriend), who was THE BEST with Marissa. Kayla is going to be a cheerleader at Ball State next year and worked with our little gymnast A LOT! I know Marissa had a great time...I think Kayla did, too!

Fine Work

People always comment on Marissa's energy level.
We're used to it. In fact, I often praise God for the energy "in abundance" that He gave to her. One of the great things about her reserves of power, however, is that she can sit and focus at any time. She doesn't just go and go and go and go.
The photos show a picture that Marissa spent about a month working on. She kept it out on the table in the family room and when she felt like coloring on it, she worked until she wanted to play with something else, but always came back to it without being told to finish it. She wanted to focus on making it very pretty - down to color choices and skill. Marissa made the picture for Daddy to take to work and hang in his office.
I don't know who is most proud of the work...Marissa or Daddy.
But, I warn you. Don't go to Daddy's office at work and not expect to be shown the picture...and you'd better tell him it's very well done.

Who Carried Me Today?

Life is so full of choices...each year we plan, each day we plan, sometimes down to the moment. While planning is good, our productiveness depends on what we plan, and on what we measure our success.
For several years of my life I have tried so hard to live intentionally. I've tried to look to God as the source of my contentment and joy, my life plans. But, I've never tried to live intentionally AND with an eternal perspective.
Not as deeply as I have since Jaime died.
Now life is so much more vivid. Colors are more intense, more striking. Words slice deeper. Love's roots have reached deeper and broadened more fully. Meaningless items are overlooked, my senses and spirit purer and more attuned to the eternal riches in store.
What a gift to be given and one I pray I do not squander.
Lord, keep me in step with your plans. Help me to be your child; help me to cry "Father" in every moment of my life journey. Let me look to you with the oneness you intended when I was created in your plan. Help me to be a gift and joy to others in my life.
Lord, help me to be the wife and help mate you intended me to be when you made my husband, then me, four months later.
Lord, let me be the mother my children need because of the special way you knitted them together with me in mind.
Who did I listen to today when your gentle spirit sang? Who did I listen to as I walked this world that I am in, but not of? Who will I listen to in my times of need or joy or distress tomorrow or the next day or next? Help it to always be You. Help me to make You recognizable when someone angers me or hurts me. Help me to seek You when I need You and when I think I don't. Help me to be an image of You.
I thought I tried to be this way before, Lord, but You have shown me that sometimes we only think we live before we lose someone so close to us, Lord. I know one of my dearest possessions is gone and forever with You, so my trust and faith are rooter deeper, spread out farther as I walk my faith each day and not just believe in your words and promises. I am being carried by You in them and it means so much more, Lord. So much more.
Life is more fragile now.
Please let it mean even more tomorrow. Let it mean even more the next day, and the next. Let each day that passes look faithless in comparison. Let each day please You.
I know I can't do it.
I know when I am in your arms You can do it.
I realize I was trying to walk with you before.
Now I just want to be carried.

Happy Mother's Day!

Oh, The Suspense

We ordered the green fans Marissa is dancing with from China Sprout. It only took a few days for the admired and WANTED fans to arrive, but Marissa could hardly wait for the UPS truck to arrive with the treasure! She truly spends about half of each day making up dances and performing for me, so when the fans finally arrived she was ESTATIC! Thank you, China Sprout, for making the dreams of this little dancer become reality.

Busy Brayden

Look who was busy while we baked... Need I say more?

It's A Chocolate Day

Okay, I admit it... I am NOT a chocolate fan. Don't send the wicked emails just yet. Am I redeemed since my daughter (actually BOTH my daughters) loves chocolate?
As fas as Marissa is concerned, it is a GREAT day when you get to eat chocolate...even better when Mama bakes a chocolate cake and you get to be the lucky beater licker. Whoa, what a title! Well, this post is for all who love to lick the beaters!

Pinkie Pie - A Girl's Best Friend

We've written about Pinkie Pie before. This gorgeous, PINK cat (who loves to wear clothes) has been a part of Marissa's life since last October.
Any frustrations or big learning situations Marissa goes through also go through Pinkie Pie. Pinkie Pie is like a younger sister; things can be blamed on her, but she also conveniently disappears if needed, and doesn't take too much time or attention. Yet, when you want someone to talk to or vent with, Pinkie Pie is back around in an instant.
Every little girl needs a Pinkie Pie. I'm glad our little girl has her for a sister/friend.