A Time For Everything

Friday, January 30, 2009 - Jaime, today we had our final ceremony for you...your burial. Everything has been so stretched out...it has been a long couple of weeks. Pain, heartache, loss, sorrow...we've walked through it all, and are still mourning our loss. Our hearts are scarred; we will be forever changed. Life will never taste the same, look the same, smell the same, or feel the same. But we also share happy memories...remembering your smile, your wit and humor, the way you can speak any accent and impersonate anyone perfectly...Jaime, you were a true jewel to know and love. Thankfully, we have the joy in knowing you are at rest in the Lord's arms. God knows we will never stop missing you, yearning to see you again, hear your voice, look into your eyes. But through this, I can surely testify that God is true and real. What I believed by faith about Him before is now lived and breathed daily as He sustains me and cradles me close to His chest while He comforts me through the terribly hard times of missing my first-born. God truly has a supernatural power that is felt in His strength. He never gives more than we need, lest we rely on our own strength. But when you ask God to sustain you, to draw near, to get you through, He is there in an incredibly perfect way that carries you through the pain and cradles you close to His heart. For He knows what we are enduring. He has been there with His only Son. It is our duty to tell others what God can do - what He IS doing for us. Jaime, we've always been connected in an amazing, spirit-filled way. When you were in my womb, I knew you were a girl...a blonde-haired daughter to love. When we almost lost you at a few days old, the fear I felt at seeing and holding you (I was only 18 and had never held a newborn) was erased as I prayed earnestly for God to save you and let me love you. The nurses patiently taught me how to hold you, feed you, burp you, and as I visited you every day I felt my confidence rise so that when we were able to take you home, I was ready. Jaime, for most of your life you were my shadow...we were always together. Our relationship was so special, not the typical mother-daughter one. YOU were special. We were so alike...and so different. But after your daddy, you were my best friend and I knew I was yours. As an adult, you struggled to find your own way and we suffered many growing pains from your search, but we had made it back to each other and I knew our relationship would become stronger for it. But God had other plans. As His word says, For there is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under Heaven. A time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace... Oh, God, thank you for the time we had to know and love Jaime, the time to dance with her, to grow and discover with her. God, thank you for sending your daughter to us to love. Jaime, it is our time to weep, it is your turn to laugh, it is our time to mourn, but it is your time to dance...

This Is How We Go On

For those who don't know, we lost our precious daughter, Jaime - Marissa's cherished sister Monday. Jaime passed away and will always remain "forever young." People are asking how we are doing...how are we moving forward. It is purely the grace of God. He is wrapping us in a supernatural comfort that passes understanding. But, oh, God...how we miss her. I want my daughter back! Children are never supposed to go before their parents! But we live in a broken world. We are comforted by the truth that we all have an appointed time to pass from this world...we just grieve that this was Jaime's time. Our precious Jaime. The loving, strong relationship between my girls is no more. I grieve not only for the loss of my daughter, my first born, but for the end of the sisterly bond that was such a sweet part of my life. I grieve for Marissa and what she has lost...playmate, coach, friend, confidant...everything a sister is and can be was packed into the short time my girls shared. Oh, God, please let Marissa remember her sister. Jaime, my Jaime Girl, we MISS you SO much!! I want a Jaime-hug. I want to see your "light-up-a-room" smile, I want to hear your voice. I want to kiss you. I want you here...but I know you are in a perfect place now. I know God has already been glorified in your death, but that's a testimony for another time... Jaime, I know you know how cherished you are. I know you know how your little sister looked up to you. I know you were one of the biggest blessings in our lives. I know you are in a better place. Fly, Jaime, in a way you never could have in this imperfect world. Give Jesus a hug for me. Give Him a hug for Marissa. Tell Him we trust Him to care for you in a way that couldn't be done here. Now you have no more clotting disorder to cause you pain. You are FREE. Oh, Jaime...my Jaime...our Jaime...His Jaime.

Body Intrigue

For several months, Marissa has been incredibly intrigued, on a mission really, to learn about the human body. Almost daily, we visit You Tube (with VERY strict monitors) to see videos about babies in the womb, human bone formation, blood flow in the body...you get the picture. The interest only deepens, so last week when we were at Costco, Marissa saw "The Human Body Book" while we were browsing an aisle. She didn't beg or ask to buy the book, but was SO interested in seeing it that I told her she could carry it in the cart and read it while I shopped. She LOVED that huge book. As she looked at it, she kept expressing delight at the pictures and asking what everything was. She was breathing almost shallowly with joy! Well, of course, I bought it to much excitement! She reads it daily (several times a day) and asks so many questions. She can tell you basics about blood cells, babies in the womb, etc. She has asked to take "bone classes" and when she found out there aren't any, she says she will go to medical school (need a roommate, Kelli?), but she doesn't want to be a doctor. She says she just wants to LEARN about the body! She is such a joy!

Through The Eyes of A 4-Year Old

I love being an older mom! I really do. Things that used to matter don't bother me at all. Things that didn't seem like such a big deal before matter a whole lot more now.

While walking through the entryway earlier I saw something on the light switch. I looked closer and saw that the object was a beaded "Hello Kitty" ring. It was wrapped around the little light switch like a Christmas tree decoration. I left it alone. When Marissa's grown and there's no longer "reminders" of her through the house, I'll miss these sweet gestures of childhood. I know. I've been there, remember? Her brother and sister are grown and gone. She allows me to remember their childhoods again while basking in hers.

The photos on the blog are photos Marissa takes randomly in a day. Although these aren't the best of her photographs because Mom's too lazy to download more pictures...okay, that's not really true...Mom's never learned to do it and she doesn't want to bother Daddy right now. Anyway, the point is, I love looking at what she deemed important enough to keep in print. In her case, what this child of the new century, has deemed important enough to grace the digital photo file in her camera.

Enjoy...and look at the photos through the eyes and mind of a four-year-old. By the way, the fuzzy photo was Marissa experimenting with her fingers.

Joy In Life

Everyone wants joy. I watched a few minutes of Oprah yesterday and even she was speaking of joy that was missing in her life. Joy is something we can't put our finger on when we try to describe it, yet we know it when we have it. We can be happy without joy, but we cannot be joyful without being happy.
Marissa is such a joyful child. I pray that joy will stay with her, that she will allow it and feel it, live it fully as an adolescent and adult. I know joy is not complete without Jesus Christ behind it. I've lived life with me in charge, and I never want to go back to "Terri in charge." I want that same joy with Jesus for Marissa. She lives it now. I pray we lead her in this life to live it always. May her light keep shining for Jesus. May we all.

Happy New Year!!

While Marissa was busy entertaining herself, just singing away as I worked in the kitchen (preoccupied with cooking) she finally caught my attention. I finally not only heard her words, but actually processed what she was saying, then ran for the camera. I had to get video of the beautiful song she composed. Okay, I'm not suggesting anyone should offer her a contract or anything...but all mothers will appreciate the lyrics. By the way, Happy New Year!