I've always thought and questioned a lot of things. Of course, now I'm pondering more the ways of life. Life is about God. During the life He gives us, we have and make choices that reflect who and what we believe and who and what we serve. About a month before Jaime died, we had this conversation again. But this time she was open and really listening.
The life highlight I ponder today is something that amazes me as a mother, yet is so easy when I consider it from God's viewpoint. How is it that at the highlight moments of my daughter's lives I could live completely oblivious to the drama unfolding? At the time of Marissa's birth I was halfway across the world while a woman I've never met pushed my daughter into this world. Did she comfort her as I would have? Did she regret that their time together was short? Were there tears as she prepared to place her for me to love? Yes, someone else carried her in their body, but God created her, and when He did He knew she would come to me. But I had no "aha" moment, no epiphany that this was the time when she arrived in this world.
Of course I was there when Jaime was born, but when she drew her last breath I was hours away doing a Bible Study and waiting for Marissa to awaken. Why didn't my body draw it's own gasp as her final one exhaled? How did I continue to live without my heartbeat at least skipping to dramatize the loss occuring? Oh, we think we're connected in special ways on this earth, but the truth is we are really only connected spiritually to one being - our Lord.
Yet, the way God prepares us for events in our lives is what really astounds me. His love to us is so personal. I'm sure that when Marissa was born I had events going on around me that I would find astounding if I could look back now. For I know the way my Father prepared me to lose Jaime. I'll list only one of them here. The day before she died He allowed me to smell her. It wasn't her perfume. It was her. Every mother knows the scent of her child. This was pure Jaime, and so strong, like the scent overtook the room. In that instant I knew I was going to lose her. I even wondered if she was already gone. I even spoke out loud, questioning God. "why am I smelling Jaime? Am I going to lose her?" Why is it that in our fragile human state we selfishly hold on to things, to people? Why couldn't I have asked God if He was calling her home because it was His turn to turn her life into something I can't even begin to imagine the splendour of? I just know that I thank God for loving us all enough to show the mercy He does, enough to love us despite all of our failings. Through Jaime's death I have seen the best and the worst of people. The best of people have shown love and compassion, although they might not fully understand the depth of the grief we face. The worst of people have stooped so low as to criticize the memorial service we held for our daughter and repeated rumors although they have no idea as to what the truth is. But I have realized it is not my duty to tell them. It is my duty to continue to love them. For Jesus interferred once and for all. It's not up to us to retaliate or plead or whatever. It is up to us to forgive and love, just as He has done for us; every single one of us, whether we accept it or not. How do we think we deserve better than our own Lord received?
Life is a gift. Whether we live 1 minute or 100 years our life served a purpose(s) only God fully knows and His standard of measure is so much more sophisticated and simpler than ours. May we all live to learn His ways and truly pass them to others while we can. It not only honors our Lord, but those who lived and those who still do. We thank God for all of them.
The life highlight I ponder today is something that amazes me as a mother, yet is so easy when I consider it from God's viewpoint. How is it that at the highlight moments of my daughter's lives I could live completely oblivious to the drama unfolding? At the time of Marissa's birth I was halfway across the world while a woman I've never met pushed my daughter into this world. Did she comfort her as I would have? Did she regret that their time together was short? Were there tears as she prepared to place her for me to love? Yes, someone else carried her in their body, but God created her, and when He did He knew she would come to me. But I had no "aha" moment, no epiphany that this was the time when she arrived in this world.
Of course I was there when Jaime was born, but when she drew her last breath I was hours away doing a Bible Study and waiting for Marissa to awaken. Why didn't my body draw it's own gasp as her final one exhaled? How did I continue to live without my heartbeat at least skipping to dramatize the loss occuring? Oh, we think we're connected in special ways on this earth, but the truth is we are really only connected spiritually to one being - our Lord.
Yet, the way God prepares us for events in our lives is what really astounds me. His love to us is so personal. I'm sure that when Marissa was born I had events going on around me that I would find astounding if I could look back now. For I know the way my Father prepared me to lose Jaime. I'll list only one of them here. The day before she died He allowed me to smell her. It wasn't her perfume. It was her. Every mother knows the scent of her child. This was pure Jaime, and so strong, like the scent overtook the room. In that instant I knew I was going to lose her. I even wondered if she was already gone. I even spoke out loud, questioning God. "why am I smelling Jaime? Am I going to lose her?" Why is it that in our fragile human state we selfishly hold on to things, to people? Why couldn't I have asked God if He was calling her home because it was His turn to turn her life into something I can't even begin to imagine the splendour of? I just know that I thank God for loving us all enough to show the mercy He does, enough to love us despite all of our failings. Through Jaime's death I have seen the best and the worst of people. The best of people have shown love and compassion, although they might not fully understand the depth of the grief we face. The worst of people have stooped so low as to criticize the memorial service we held for our daughter and repeated rumors although they have no idea as to what the truth is. But I have realized it is not my duty to tell them. It is my duty to continue to love them. For Jesus interferred once and for all. It's not up to us to retaliate or plead or whatever. It is up to us to forgive and love, just as He has done for us; every single one of us, whether we accept it or not. How do we think we deserve better than our own Lord received?
Life is a gift. Whether we live 1 minute or 100 years our life served a purpose(s) only God fully knows and His standard of measure is so much more sophisticated and simpler than ours. May we all live to learn His ways and truly pass them to others while we can. It not only honors our Lord, but those who lived and those who still do. We thank God for all of them.
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